Christian sign of the day…
Thank you Aaron.
Advice for mothers of child prophets…
Found at Christian Nightmares.
A BLOG POST: In Defense of a Christian Woman’s Identity…
My wife, Jessica, reads a lot of books on parenting. She reads books on topics that range from “eating habits” to “temper tantrums,” some of these books are written from a Christian perspective and some are not. Jessica is an information junkie, she likes to be informed on ideas from “professionals,” hear or read other people’s opinions and stories, and then take what she’s read, consider our family’s experiences, and then make decisions. This isn’t something she does just in parenting. It’s a habit, one that I admire, that bleeds through most areas of her life.
A blogger that Jessica reads recommended a Christian book called Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches. Jessica thought it sounded good, and since a blogger that she loves/respects recommended it, she bought it and immediately began reading.
The other night, when Jessica came home from work, she said, “I’ve been reading that book ‘Loving the Little Years’. And I’ve enjoyed a lot of what I’ve read so far. There’s been some really good moments.”
I knew there was a “but” coming.
“But then I got to the end of a chapter entitled ‘Me Time’. And I had to stop reading.”
“Why?”
“Can I just read a section to you?”
“Sure.”
She began reading… (FYI: I pulled this quote from this blog. And I tried to offer a big enough quote, to offer context.)
…the world has a very muddled perception of ‘self’. They think and tell us to think that we are all little separate entities who might need to go off somewhere to get to know ‘ourselves,’ or that a mother needs to get back to her corporate job to be herself again. Marriages break up because people don’t know who they are anymore. They need to find themselves.
But the Christian view of self is very different, and you need to make sure that it is the one you have. We are like characters in a story. Our essential self is not back in the intro, waiting to be rediscovered. Who you are is where you are. When you are married, your essential self is married. As the story grows, so does your character. Your children change you into a different person. If you suddenly panic because it all happened so fast and now you don’t recognize yourself, what you need is not time alone. What you need is your people. Look out- look at the people who made you what you are – your husband and your children. Study them. They are you. If you want to know yourself, concentrate on them.
Those women who try to find themselves by stripping away the ‘others’ will find that they are a very broken little thing. This will lead them to resent the people who they think made them that way. She may say, “I used to be so energetic, but all these people take, take, take from me and now I have no time to just be me!” And the world gathers around and comforts her and says she needs sometime to follow her dreams.
But the Christian woman needs to see, “I used to be so boring! Now my character has some depth, some people to love, some hardships to bear. Now I have some material to work with!” A Christian woman’s view is always forward and never back. Your identity is to be found and resting in other people.
Let me try this from another angle. As married Christian women, our identity is in our husbands. We are their helpmeets. Our calling is people-oriented. It follows then that you cannot know what your calling is until you know who your calling is. Until you are married, you are not tied to a specific person. Marriage reorients you entirely. Children do even more. Then it is your calling to help your husband by raising these little people. People, people everywhere and no time for yourself. But remember that this is your calling. It belongs to you. They belong to you.
If you want some quality ‘me time’, make a date with your husband. Do something special with your children. These people are you. Your identity is supposed to be intertwined – that is the way God wrote the story, and it is the way He intends us to read it.”
When Jessica finished reading, I looked at her. “Yuck. I didn’t like most of what you just read.”
“So it’s not just me?”
“No, it’s not just you. I find much of it insulting and sexist.”
Jessica smiled. “Don’t get me wrong, I love having dates with you. But that’s not exactly ‘me time’…
“Right. It’s ‘us time.’”
While there’s a wealth of things that I could question about that passage, I’m going to focus on one small part: Identity.
Jessica is her own person. She is her own identity. I married her because I fell in love with that identity, that long list of qualities and ideas and passions and flesh and blood that make her who she is. She’s intelligent. She’s sexy. She’s passionate and analytical. She’s confident and sometimes a bit of a know-it-all. She’s outspoken. She’s a caring, thoughtful, wise mother. She’s a marketing genius. She multi-tasks like nobody I have ever seen. She’s creative. She sews. And she loves her family dearly.
Those traits (and others) make up the identity of the woman I married.
And God forbid if marrying me ever changed that.
Sure, marriage changes our perspectives. But it changes both of our perspectives. Not just Jessica’s. Mine too. Her goals and dreams are also my goals and dreams. My goals and dreams are hers. And our children’s goals and dreams are our goals and dreams. We as a family are a unit made up of four distinct identities, God-designed humanities created uniquely.
I would never want marriage to become Jessica’s identity. Because that would mean that our relationship, that her connection to me would diminish some of who she is, some of what she dreams, and some of how God made her to be, think, feel.
The author of the book says…
It follows then that you cannot know what your calling is until you know who your calling is…
Isn’t Jessica’s “Christian calling” to love God and love people. Isn’t that my calling, too? While us loving each other is most definitely a significant part of our callings, “marriage” doesn’t define our callings.
I thought perhaps I may be misreading the author’s statement, that maybe she and I are closer to being on the same page than I first thought, that maybe we’re just saying it in different ways. But I don’t think so. If this were true, I’d suspect the author might mention how a husband’s identity fits into all of this. And too, if I’m to take the author’s point of view, that could mean that I’m not really married to Jessica, that I’m actually married to myself, Elias, and Adeline because those are the “who” that make up Jessica’s identity.
And what does all of this say for the single woman?
Do they not have an identity because they haven’t met the “who” of their identity?
Or the single mother?
Is a part of single mother’s identity the man who got her pregnant and then left her alone to raise the child?
Sometimes life overwhelms Jessica. (Sometimes life overwhelms me, too.) The first thing I try to do when I know that Jessica is overwhelmed is to create time and space where she can get out of the house and go shopping or hang out with friends OR take the kids with me to the park or Starbucks and allow Jessica to be alone, to refill (and probably scrapbook). That doesn’t mean that Elias, Adeline, and I aren’t a part of who she is, it just means that she needs to be alone to refill, to be quiet, to pray, and to feel whole again.
Jesus took “me time”. And it wasn’t a date.
Listen, if it’s a woman or man’s passion and desire to stay home full-time with their kids, I’m all for it! I think that’s an amazing and wonderful calling/desire. Still, that doesn’t mean they don’t need “me time” once in a while. That doesn’t mean they don’t need time alone to refill and refresh or time away so they don’t go insane.
To the author’s credit, I love that she values a woman’s role as wife and mother. Those are two very important and wonderful parts of a person’s identity. But they do not make up the whole of who that person is. The person she marries and the children she raises do not “become” the person, they do not define her identity.
I pray that Jessica’s identity is found in God. Not me. Not Elias. Not Adeline. Sure, the whole of who Jessica is passionately loves me, Elias, and Adeline, but she is her own unique identity, a make-up of qualities, talents, and ideas that enrich our family. Her identity is important to us. Her identity breathes life into each of us. To lose any part of who Jessica is would be to lose what makes her a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, creative, marketer… woman.
And when she needs time alone, it doesn’t mean that she’s a “broken little thing,” it means that she needs time alone.
Period.
(Again, there’s far more that I could say about that passage. But I’ll let you chime in instead.)
HELP: I need an interpreter for THIS…
I have no idea what’s happening in this video clip. I think the crazy white guy–the one who uses the word “foreskin” in the most awkward uncomfortable way possible–is pretending to be a prophet–like the prophet Nathan–and dubbing Pastor Eddie Long “King” of something. But King of what I do not know. Perhaps I need an interpreter. Any of you have the gift of interpreting rubbish? If so, help! Help us understand what the heck is happening here.
I have so many questions.
Is Israel aware that this white man–if this were “Lion King,” I believe he’d be Rafiki–has one of their scrolls?
And what in the world is going through Pastor Eddie Long’s mind? I can’t tell if he’s into what is happening here or if he’s slightly embarrassed by it or if he just really needs two Excedrin and dark room.
And the two gentlemen opening and closing the scroll around our dear Eddie. Is one of them trying not to laugh? I see a glimmer of a smile, a smile that might suggest “WTF?” or perhaps a smile that suggests “This is amazing”… I can’t tell.
Can you?
And while it will be tempting to stop watching, YOU MUST watch until minute 7:14. That’s where it goes from “Lion King” to “Aladdin”…
And then there’s singing… oh, wait until you hear/see the singing…
Interpret? Anybody?
My friend Bill sent me this.
President Obama’s ‘Prayer Breakfast’ Speech
The full text of President Obama’s speech is here.
Here are a few highlights… but the whole speech is worth listening to or reading.
So even as we join the great debates of our age — how we best put people back to work, how we ensure opportunity for every child, the role of government in protecting this extraordinary planet that God has made for us, how we lessen the occasions of war — even as we debate these great issues, we must be reminded of the difference that we can make each day in our small interactions, in our personal lives.
As a loving husband, or a supportive parent, or a good neighbor, or a helpful colleague — in each of these roles, we help bring His kingdom to Earth. And as important as government policy may be in shaping our world, we are reminded that it’s the cumulative acts of kindness and courage and charity and love, it’s the respect we show each other and the generosity that we share with each other that in our everyday lives will somehow sustain us during these challenging times. John tells us that, “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”
Mark read a letter from Billy Graham, and it took me back to one of the great honors of my life, which was visiting Reverend Graham at his mountaintop retreat in North Carolina, when I was on vacation with my family at a hotel not far away.
And I can still remember winding up the path up a mountain to his home. Ninety-one years old at the time, facing various health challenges, he welcomed me as he would welcome a family member or a close friend. This man who had prayed great prayers that inspired a nation, this man who seemed larger than life, greeted me and was as kind and as gentle as could be.
And we had a wonderful conversation. Before I left, Reverend Graham started praying for me, as he had prayed for so many Presidents before me. And when he finished praying, I felt the urge to pray for him. I didn’t really know what to say. What do you pray for when it comes to the man who has prayed for so many? But like that verse in Romans, the Holy Spirit interceded when I didn’t know quite what to say.
And so I prayed — briefly, but I prayed from the heart. I don’t have the intellectual capacity or the lung capacity of some of my great preacher friends here that have prayed for a long time. (Laughter.) But I prayed. And we ended with an embrace and a warm goodbye.
And I thought about that moment all the way down the mountain, and I’ve thought about it in the many days since. Because I thought about my own spiritual journey –- growing up in a household that wasn’t particularly religious; going through my own period of doubt and confusion; finding Christ when I wasn’t even looking for him so many years ago; possessing so many shortcomings that have been overcome by the simple grace of God. And the fact that I would ever be on top of a mountain, saying a prayer for Billy Graham –- a man whose faith had changed the world and that had sustained him through triumphs and tragedies, and movements and milestones –- that simple fact humbled me to my core.
I have fallen on my knees with great regularity since that moment — asking God for guidance not just in my personal life and my Christian walk, but in the life of this nation and in the values that hold us together and keep us strong. I know that He will guide us. He always has, and He always will. And I pray his richest blessings on each of you in the days ahead.
Sh*tuff Christian Girls Say…
‘the American woman has gone crazy’ says preacher
In a sermon that primarily focuses on the evils of “seeker friendly” churches, Tommy Bates, a preacher who advertises “a contemporary message with ‘old time’ anointing, goes off on an odd bunny trail about America’s “trashy” women who aren’t being fulfilled by America’s “one-half” men. The strange rant happens around the 3 minute mark.
I don’t know much about Tommy Bates’ ministry. And I don’t know when this sermon was filmed, either.
I have known preachers with Bates’ preaching style who “get caught up in the moment” and go off on rants that they later regret or retract (because you know, that there “holy spirit” can be so sexist sometimes).
But I’m not sure if Bates considers this particular rant to be “inspired” or regrettable.
Either way, it’s certainly troubling.
Found at Christian Nightmares.
Why the Church needs to shut up and listen… (a guest post)
Dianna Anderson has a day job as a radio producer in Chicago, IL, where she is one of several producers on a program for English Language Learners. She moonlights as a feminist blogger, taking a critical eye to church, media and country. Her blog can be found at DiannaEAnderson.net.
When the Mars Hill story broke, I couldn’t have imagined the stir that it would cause. We’re having conversations all over the place about spiritual abuse, church discipline, and Biblical approaches to the practice. And these are very important conversations to have.
But I’m also seeing a lot of people, in favor of being “Scriptural,” and “Biblical,” defending some pretty gross and terrible actions, all in the name of Christ.
It’s confirmed for me what I’ve already suspected, and what friends of mine realized long ago: Church, we suck at being a safe space for the hurting.
When I was 18 and a self-righteous freshman at a small Christian college, my best friend from high school came out as bisexual. I discovered this by accident, when I was reading her blog and saw that she had herself listed as such. When I asked her why she hadn’t told me, she said that she’d been afraid to.
My best friend was afraid to tell me about a part of her identity. I was shocked, and I was offended. Instead of understanding, I tried to force things, I tried to make her see that I was an good person to talk about these things with even though, you know, she was wrong for being bisexual and I didn’t approve of her “lifestyle.”
She stopped speaking to me.
Later that same year, I was having coffee with another good friend from high school who was looking to go into the field of therapy to become a sex therapist. I asked him if he thought he was gay (I have no idea what my train of thought was in that moment). His reply, after much reluctance on his part and much cajoling on my part, was “I really don’t know at this point. I’m still learning.”
Again, I responded poorly: “How can you not know? You know, you CAN talk to me about this! I mean, I don’t approve by any means – love the sinner, hate the sin and all that – but you can talk to me about it!”
I still didn’t get it.
Because of my dogmatism, because of the way I held onto doctrine like it was a bullet proof vest, I wasn’t a safe person for them. As much as I tried to be a comforting friend, I sounded my disapproval of them with every other sentence. I hurt them, even though I couldn’t see it.
And if they had felt brave enough to tell me that I was hurting them, you know what my response likely would have been? To play the persecuted Christian. To tell them that they were “of the world” and that if you don’t like God’s Truth, well then, tough cookies, I hope you can come back to God (ie, friendship with me) someday. I’ll be praying for you.
It’s no wonder that I only have a Facebook relationship with those two friends now – two people who had been my stalwart closest friends for nearly a decade.
It’s taken me nearly nine years to realize what it means to be “safe” for someone else – it means not prizing my doctrine over their pain. It means not sounding my disapproval as though it’s the same as God’s. It means shutting up and letting them talk.
I’ve seen this happen time and again: someone from the church has the bravery to step forward and tell a story about how they’ve been hurt by the church or by a member of the church in some way. And the lashings begin (all of these are direct quotes from comments on this post):
“How as a Christian can you think his behavior is acceptable. Should it be acceptable for all men to act like this. Should we throw out the bible because it does not conform to his behavior. Andrew, you got busted and now you are shamed and mad. Pray for guidance as God has already put your sin to death, but you have to come before him with repentance to receive grace.” [sic]
“Does anyone have a comment on the kids[sic] character that came out with all of this stuff?
From the beginning it was clearly explained to him that church discipline is an in-house process. And yet, his story is on a blog that is run by a guy that lives in Nashville, TN.
Adding a wrong onto another wrong doesn’t [sic] make a right…. Right?”
“Suffer? Is this gentleman really suffering?”
“A repentant person is a humble person.
A repentant person is someone who is done hiding, and would be open about it all. ( even the old history) [sic]
I would expect a humble person to be willing to put themselves under authority and open to scrutiny in an effort to show their community that they own their stuff.
Acts 26:20‘First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds.’
His humility would be really evident if he had been willing to allow those in authority over him to gently lead him through accountability and restitution of the hurt he caused.“
It is these sorts of things that make the church no longer a safe space. We are not safe people for the hurting. And that – that more than any doctrinal problem, more than any threat from “the secular world” – should make us cringe.
There’s a blogger friend of mine who goes by the pseudonym somaticstrength, and she is a survivor of abuse. She’s left the church, with good reason: when her abuse (at the hands of her own brother) was revealed, the church demanded grace and forgiveness from her, the church protected her abuser. For her, the church was no longer a safe space. She writes on her blog:
But I doubt most survivors are willing to talk. I’d venture to guess that the survivors in your midst have already figured out what I figured out: Christianity is not safe for them. Not to talk about what happened to them, not to even exist. Give me one good reason why any survivor would want to talk to anyone who identifies themselves as a Christian. Tell me one damn thing Christians have done to make Christianity a safe place for them? Because after these articles…, I’ll tell you that right now Christianity seems like the most unsafe place for a survivor. And it already was to begin with. How many more victims and survivors have you silenced? How many more won’t even tell you what might be happening to them right now because obviously, you’ll only show grace and mercy to the people who are hurting them?
So here’s my clarion call, my response to the way the church is behaving: Shut. Up. No, seriously. Shut up. Close your mouth and open your ears.
The first and foremost rule of being a safe space or a safe person is not talking. Not opening your mouth to tell people how to feel. Not saying, “Yes, but…” Not pulling out your Bible to check what they’re saying against Scripture.
There is a time and place to have those Scriptural discussions, and it is not when a person is trying to tell you how they are broken.
Church, we’re really good at offering unsolicited advice. If there was a contest for it, we would be the 2007 Boston Red Sox. And this tendency – to offer “correct” doctrine, to open up our Bibles to explain away something, to try and be helpful and “fix this” and get people back on the “right” spiritual path – is destructive. When a person who has been hurt – especially who has been hurt by the church, like Andrew was – opens their mouth and begins to speak, the last thing they want is a “Yes, but…”
“Yes, but the church was just trying their hardest to be Biblical.”
“Yes, but you should have exercised more grace and forgiveness.”
“Yes, but you agreed to submit to their authority.”
“Yes, but you’re sinning in being angry over this.”
No, Church, stop it. Allow room for pain. Allow room for hurt. Allow room for people to come forward with who they are, with parts of their identities and their brokenness. Allow room for people to tell their stories without judging the situation, without going on about right or wrong doctrine. Allow room for grace. Allow room for people to heal at their own pace, for people to find reconciliation and redemption when they are ready for it, for people to articulate their hurt and their pain and their frustration and their anger. Allow room for people to call out abuse as abuse.
And until we can allow that room, we will continue to be an unsafe space for survivors of all kinds of abuse. We will continue to enable their abusers instead of strengthening the victims. And that, Church, is the most maddening thing about us.
Dancing ball Jesus?
Somebody on Etsy believes that somebody needs a combo of Jesus and a dancing ball. You can own this piece of art for just $50,000.00! A steal, huh?
If that other mannequin underneath Jesus’s arm is any indication, it looks like the artist behind this masterpiece might be working on a blinged out Chris Tomlin. Awesome.
Shiny.
So.
Who’s gonna take this work of art home?
Church sign of the day…
What is “seperation” anyway?
